It’s that time again! May is Mental Health Month. This year NAMI.org is promoting the theme Cure Stigma and has a website where you can go, take a quiz and learn more. I think it is a great theme for the month! Mental Health America is going with a different approach with it’s Fitness4Mind4Body theme. I’m not as thrilled with this approach because as person with chronic physical illnesses, it seems to lack nuance. Heck, even for those without my physical challenges, exercise and going outside doesn’t always do a damn thing for their mental health. I understand the whole person approach but I would rather see more nuance around the idea. Like for some people, increased physical activity does improve their mental state but for others, it simply does nothing or it can be harmful. There are so many factors that I honestly think MHA is not promoting a good campaign this year and I will not be sharing anything further than the link above.
A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression. Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.
I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck. It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling. Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.
On the good side, my goods are selling! Dragon Wolf Crafts I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference. Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas. It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again. I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion. More than I ever really wanted to know. But it’s also sort of fun. In a way. If you tilt your head just right. I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly. Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.
On the other side. Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future. The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now. I understand it and am as supportive as I am able. However, they are also volatile. Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change. I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore. We are both in therapy. I’m hope they get the help they need. My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill. The stress is making my health issues worse.
Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon. I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know. Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment. ~sigh~ I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.
In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31. I do still need help. Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself. I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing. The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health. If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.
Argh! Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world. Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.
So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues. So much has happened since I last posted anything. I did find a therapist who is wonderful. I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.
I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great. My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month. My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him. My primary care doc continues to be my champion. One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else. I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver. I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on. Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out. There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer. So there’s that.
Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time. I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease. Yay me. I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment.
How am I coping? ~sigh~ Well, music therapy helps some. Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped. I’ve asked for support from friends (go me! actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful. I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time. Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs. I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.
Sorry all. I just had my yearly eye exam. New script! So my lenses will be around $55 and I found cheap frames for a total of $89. Plus I really need to get my Pete to the vet for booster shots and annual exam. Should be around $250 or maybe less if I talk nice to the vet. If you wish to help me out, you can Paypal Me (noting glasses fund or pet care fund on the note) or to my general help fund at YouCaring Helping Hand
Thanks! In other news, I’m waiting to hear back about an appointment with a therapist who sounds perfect for me. Good wishes are very welcome!
It’s a new year! ~confetti~
After a long cold and stressful trip to KC to visit my partner’s family, I return and promptly came down with a bad cold or maybe the flu that’s running rampant. I’m still recovering. Then early yesterday, my uterus betrayed me. I woke up at O dark thirty with a red tide. ~sigh~ Then today…not a damn thing. Though I did go out and re-stocked up on menstrual stuff. It had been over 100 days since I had a period. So reset and hope for 365 days so I can officially be in menopause and hopefully, one day, be post-menopausal.
Haven’t made a decision on exactly what to do about my disability denial yet. Being feverish was not helping with my decision making skills. Need to gear up and produce many pretty beaded things for my Etsy store though. Hoping folks will want to start shopping soon for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve made some decisions about where I want to be by the end of this year and how to get there but I’m not ready to really talk about it publicly.
I need to get my kittens to the vet for checkups. So anything you can toss my way would be awesome. Also, I have follow-ups myself with the nephrologist and my primary care doc and the dentist. But I have new insurance so I may not have copays and my meds should be a little less expensive. I think. I hope so. Or I could be screwed and not able to see my specialists. Guess I’ll find out! Yay.
Guess my mental health hasn’t improved much since I can only focus on the worst scenarios. Except I can go hunting for a therapist with my new insurance and hopefully get that stuff under better control. Yay.
Here’s the linkage for today:
My Etsy Shop
YouCaring Donation site
Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim. Feeling frustrated and discouraged. Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression. My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts. So I have an Etsy shop! He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff. My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts
I am slowly adding inventory to the shop. Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.
Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment. I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop. It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.
So that’s the good. I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid. I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day. Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am. Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.
I am in a weird mental state right now. Hopeful but not. Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change. Discouraged by having no money and not hearing about my disability claim. But I make things! Pretty things. And I have a shop that may generate some income. I have friends and family who love and support me. Plus it is Secret Santa season! And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country. But I’ve been sleeping poorly. And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.
So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.
So, last Thursday was the perfect storm of just too many things gone wrong. I’ve been having very bad pain days I think partially due to winter finally arriving to the Valley of the Sun(winter being relative but it is a change in weather nevertheless). I had finally made contact with a therapist and I was nearly giddy at the prospect of getting into therapy and on the road to better mental health. The appointment was originally set for early December but a cancellation allowed me a chance for last Thursday. Giddy! Glee! Unfortunately, I failed to ask a vital question when setting up my appointment. They didn’t take my insurance and as y’all know I am broke ass. I didn’t have the $225 or really, any money for the initial appointment. So I thanked the front office person and left.
I sat in my car and cried. I started off back home and my gas light came on. I cried some more. It’s a miracle I didn’t have an accident. I did make it home though.
I felt so overwhelmed with what I felt was failure.
I took a deep breath. I put the pills away. And then I took a nap and cuddled with my kittens.
I still feel fragile. And I’m cranky. Moody. All of that fun stuff. Dreading the holidays and feeling isolated.
I have $0.51 in the bank. I would like to treat myself to Moravian sugar cookies. A taste from home.
But I’m still here. My story continues.