Good, Bad, Ugly…It’s my Life

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A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression.  Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.

I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck.  It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling.  Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.

On the good side,  my goods are selling!  Dragon Wolf Crafts      I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference.  Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas.  It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again.   I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  But it’s also sort of fun.  In a way.  If you tilt your head just right.  I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly.  Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.

On the other side.  Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future.   The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now.   I understand it and am as supportive as I am able.  However, they are also volatile.  Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change.  I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore.  We are both in therapy.  I’m hope they get the help they need.  My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill.  The stress is making my health issues worse.

Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon.  I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know.  Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment.  ~sigh~  I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.

Oy!

In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31.  I do still need help.  Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself.  I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing.  The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health.  If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.

Argh!  Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world.  Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.

2018, So far

It’s a new year!  ~confetti~

After a long cold and stressful trip to KC to visit my partner’s family, I return and promptly came down with a bad cold or maybe the flu that’s running rampant.  I’m still recovering.   Then early yesterday, my uterus betrayed me.  I woke up at O dark thirty with a red tide.   ~sigh~  Then today…not a damn thing.  Though I did go out and re-stocked up on menstrual stuff.  It had been over 100 days since I had a period.  So reset and hope for 365 days so I can officially be in menopause and hopefully, one day, be post-menopausal.

Haven’t made a decision on exactly what to do about my disability denial yet.  Being feverish was not helping with my decision making skills.  Need to gear up and produce many pretty beaded things for my Etsy store though.  Hoping folks will want to start shopping soon for Valentine’s Day.

I’ve made some decisions about where I want to be by the end of this year and how to get there but I’m not ready to really talk about it publicly.

I need to get my kittens to the vet for checkups.  So anything you can toss my way would be awesome.  Also, I have follow-ups myself with the nephrologist and my primary care doc and the dentist.  But I have new insurance so I may not have copays and my meds should be a little less expensive.  I think.  I hope so.  Or I could be screwed and not able to see my specialists.  Guess I’ll find out!  Yay.

Guess my mental health hasn’t improved much since I can only focus on the worst scenarios.  Except I can go hunting for a therapist with my new insurance and hopefully get that stuff under better control.  Yay.

Here’s the linkage for today:

My Etsy Shop

YouCaring Donation site

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Coping

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Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim.  Feeling frustrated and discouraged.  Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression.  My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts.  So I have an Etsy shop!  He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff.   My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts 

I am slowly adding inventory to the shop.  Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.

Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment.  I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop.  It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.

So that’s the good.  I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid.  I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day.   Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am.  Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.

I am in a weird mental state right now.  Hopeful but not.  Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change.  Discouraged by having no money and not hearing  about my disability claim.  But I make things!  Pretty things.  And I have a shop that may generate some income.  I have friends and family who love and support me.  Plus it is Secret Santa season!  And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country.   But I’ve been sleeping poorly.  And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.

So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.

 

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Gratitude

Over the past few days, I have received so much support and generosity. I am humbled and frankly stunned to see how much my community, my chosen family, my tribe truly cares. Not just about me. I have seen beautiful expressions of support and love. I have teared up many times.

Y’all keep my hope a living, breathing thing. I am deeply grateful to each of you.

Personal things

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Haven’t updated in a long while. So, got out and skimmed the pool. Trying to do this every day but not always succeeding. So that was exercise plus time in the sun (need that vit D). It’s 9000 degrees here and the air quality sucks so I’m actually avoiding spending a lot of time outside at the moment. When monsoon season kicks in, I’ll probably go spend time on the patio post deluge when the air is clear and stuff. Hope it happens soon but the forecast for the short term is just very sunny and very hot.

I’ve also taken to dancing around the living room for exercise. The birds really don’t like my taste in music though.

Been having pretty bad pain levels in my right hand, right hip and lower back. Not sure why but hopefully, more movement will ease things. Or I resort to drugs.

I think I posted somewhere about taking classes to try to keep my brane engaged. I started with a full slate but quickly realized that I was being unrealistic and setting myself up for failure. So, I now only have Art History which I am enjoying quite a lot.

I managed to read yesterday!  I devoured an entire book in a few hours.  It was great.  My review is here: Flowers of Luna by Jennifer Linsky

Plus I’ve watched the Black Panther Teaser Trailer many, many, many times.  I’ve also watched a slew of blerd reactions videos.  I. Can. NOT. Wait!  So excited for this.  I really want to make a Dora Milaje costume.

Actually, I’ve gotten the urge to Make.  I created a crafty things wishlist on Amazon here.

Well, that’s it.  Still not sleeping well.  Still anxiously stressed about money.  Still overwhelmed by the news of the day.  Still overwhelmed by all that needs doing around the house.

But I have an adorable kitten and a wonderful, cuddly cat who purr and frolic.

Finn and Pete

 

 

https://www.youcaring.com/HelpCherylThrive

Dreamtime

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Sleep has been elusive but when I do sleep, I dream.  Boy howdy do I dream.  In vivid Technicolor with THX digital sound.  In three-part harmony.

I’m assuming these dreams are created out of my anxieties, worries, concerns and other deeply, deeply buried issues from my psyche.  Some of them are quite….disturbing.

I regularly dream about dead people.  My dead relatives visit me often.  I suppose I could go all woo and say that they are bringing me messages from the cosmos or that there is some deep philosophical and/or spiritual shit going on with those dreams.   I also regularly dream about being part of a resistance/rebellion/super secret agent.  Usually hiding from THEM(tm), fighting THEM(tm), saving refugees or an asset from THEM(tm).    Plus I dream about bathrooms.  Not sure why.   Luxurious and large tubs and showers.  Enough room to have a party in the bathroom with several people plus a sideboard for refreshments.  And a full bar, of course.  The type of bathroom Heinlein frequently included in his books.

Recent dreams include vacationing somewhere (the hotel room had a large hot tub in the center) and my partner having a heart attack while we are out touristing.  He got taken to a hospital and I am assured he will be fine.  But I am left alone and uncertain.     Ugh.  I woke up feeling really panicked and upset.

I’ve had several dreams of late that leave me feeling uneasy, upset and generally exhausted emotionally.  My dreams take me to places that I do not wish to go and explore all the dark places of my mind.

I had serious, no tricking,  night terrors when I was a child.  I frequently would lie awake listening to music hoping to not sleep.  I learned lucid dreaming and how to reshape my dreams from the incredibly terrifying things they were to something rather less icky.

I have a *LOT* of fears around protecting my family/loved ones and my ability/inability in that regard.  It may come from losing my parents and brother when I was in my 20s. So many of my dreams were/are about threats to those people and my attempts to save them. The worst ones are where I am kept somehow from taking action.  Those really put me in a poor headspace for the day(week..month)

So my head is full of darkness and it is seeping into my dreams.

 

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