My heart hurts. I’ve cried and raged myself to exhaustion. But still the awfulness continues. Here are some words by those more eloquent than I.
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It is so hard sometimes. Now and then, it seems that life is determined to grind you into the dirt, spit on you, set you on fire, toss you off a cliff and then kick you in the shins.
I’ve been having a difficult time of late. It culminated when I found that I’d managed to really, thoroughly fuck up.
So, my brother, the only family I have left invited me to his wedding (he’s been married for 6 years and they are finally throwing themselves a little ceremony). This is a huge bright point that I eagerly, enthusiastically tried to grasp.
I poked around for inexpensive flights (there are none between here and the three airports that are sort of nearish to him). I bought a pretty dress, and underpinnings and things.
Did I mention that it was short notice and the wedding very soon?
Anyway. Back to me fucking up my finances.
I managed to catch the flu of hacking snotfullness and spent a week out of work (sleeping, taking meds, sleeping some more, hacking my lungs out, putting them back into my body). Somewhere in there, I lost track of what the hell I was doing and managed to make myself broke-ass.
Now I am trying to get a refund on the airfare. I’ve returned some things I bought. I have no idea is any of the things I’ve done will get me out of the deep hell hole I managed to dig. But I am trying. I will keep trying.
Meanwhile. I have not see my brother in over a decade. I have not met my 5 y.o. niece or my 3 y.o nephew. I have not been back in my home state in…well, I don’t know for sure exactly. I desperately want to go to this wedding and see them.
Plus, I have been not sleeping at night. My dreams are full of dead people and strangeness. Like Supernatural levels of strangeness. Actually, I think Dean & Sam showed up in one or two.
On Saturday, my partner took me to the beach. I don’t know if I can express what that means to me. No, I really can’t. There are simply no words.
I needed to stick my toes in the sand and the surf. And just sit and be. There in the sun and wind, hearing the crash of the ocean, watching the tide come in.
It was glorious.
I don’t know exactly what I will do but I feel much better to handle whatever.
“The only difference between molestation and suicide is that you don’t die on the outside, you only die on the inside.”
Despite the recent (see:When it rains, it pours ) spate of bad financial news, I set off Monday for my much longed for visit with my long distance partner. This trip was only made possible through the extreme generosity of his OSO and her husband. Yay for awesome metamours! [For more info about polyamory/multiple relationships]
Anyway, we met in the middle as it were in Las Vegas because a flight to there was way less expensive than a flight from here to him. We went out twice and spent most of the time in bed or cuddling on the couch. Just being together. We saw Zumanity and what an amazing show that was! And we got free tix to see the Zombie Burlesque show which was also just a huge amount of fun.
In between the shows (and yes, just a bit of debauchery), we talked and dreamed together about the future.
It solidified in me that the best thing for my mental and physical health is to leave the Bay area and move back to Arizona. Much of my chosen family is there. And supportive friends who grok my situation. And sunshine. Lots of sunshine.
My last therapy session I spent most of the time talking about how dissatisfied I was with my job. Plus how guilty I felt about being dissatisfied. I should be grateful I have a job at all! It pays okay and my coworkers are really amazing. My boss is really amazing. The atmosphere in the office is totally laid back, friendly and I feel appreciated. But.
I am bored. I feel underutilized. This job is just not the right fit for me. I dread going to work each day and when I am there, I count the minutes until I can leave.
Chatting with various service people about where I am from and why I was there in LV and making small talk really brought home to me just how incredibly unhappy I am being here. There are so many womderfully cool things about here but they are outweighed for my depressive, introverted, shy self by the bad (overcrowding, horrendous traffic, insane housing cost and oh, did I mention the unrelenting press of people?)
So now to figure out how to get myself and the partner I live with back to Arizona. The financial hit makes this way more tricky. ~sigh~
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