NOT OKAY

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I’m really struggling with my depression.  I am in therapy every week so I have that on my side.  The unpacking is going very slowly.  The Etsy store is okay.  I need to put more into marketing and into getting quality components to make saleable goods.  I’m hoping to get an influx soon.  It’s really disheartening to see all the page hits but no sales.  I know the items up there appeal to folks because I’ve gotten feedback.  I don’t think the prices are unreasonable either.  The last show we did was a bust.  Didn’t quite make back our expenses.  But many valuable lessons were learned and there’s another convention coming up over Labor Day weekend.  Hoping that one will be a success.

I have several follow-up appointments coming up.   My pain levels have been awful.  I am on a new med prescribed my the rheumatologist for pain.  It helps but with the moving and now the unpacking,  some days I can barely get out of bed without crying.

I’m very weepy and spending a lot of time navel-gazing.  I have an app to chronicle my mood each day.  Most of mine have been “meh”.  Just feel stuck, I think.  My therapist wants me to sit down and write down a list of my need and wants.  Then I guess in our next session, we’ll figure out a strategy for getting my needs met.

My relationships are unsatisfying. I think it’s because I need more in person time with the partner who lives in Tucson and more quality time with the partner I live with.

Not having things unpacked and semi-orderly is causing me great anxiety.  I like having stuff put in some kind of order.  I love shelves and boxes and cabinets.  I want everything in its place. I’m working on it as I have the energy and when I can manage my pain.

I’m trying to remember to use my coping tools: music therapy, journaling, making pretties.  I’ve not yet successfully reincorporated exercise/movement yet.  I am a work in progress.

Worried about my kitties.  They seem okay but I’d feel better if I could get them a wellness check.

I need to write down all the things I want to bring up with my doctor (who I see at the end of the month).  Stuff keeps coming up.  I also have two more specialists to see in the near future as well as follow ups with ones I’ve already seen.

Feels like too much sometimes.  Plus all the things my partner expects me to track and take care of.  I mean, I know I have broad shoulders but dang.

Looking forward to vacation next month.

PayPal Donation link

My Etsy shop

Moving

My nesting partner and I moved last week. Everything about it was incredibly stressful. My voice finally came back, though. I will still see the ENT about it just to make sure nothing is seriously wrong.

This new house just *feels* right. It has problems as you’d expect for a house built in 1975 but we can adapt. We will need a stand alone island in the kitchen to provide more work area as well as storage. The den is now the bird room. I’m still trying to figure out my office/craft space.

So much unpacking needs doing. We may have too much stuff. I’ll be listing some of it on freecycle or somewhere. I’d like to ditch the old treadmill and get something that we can fold up when not in use. We have the usual excess of computer cables, hubs and the like that any pair of computer geeks accumulate over time. Plus the stuff I got to accommodate for lacks in the San Jose house and the Scottsdale house that don’t exist here.

I’ve had several of my medical appointments rescheduled due to issues at the doctor’s office. ~sigh~ But I am finally seeing the neurosurgeon about my back tomorrow! Next week is the rheumatologist. My follow-up with the nephrologist got moved to July. My follow-up with the hematologist is in Sep. Plus I’ll be due for my annual visit with the podiatrist (new orthotics will be needed, they cost $200 last year for three pair, hopefully the price hasn’t gone up and more importantly, I hope my bunion isn’t worse).

I have a show coming up this month. Really hoping to sell out of stock. Got turned down for one in Nov and waiting to hear about one in August. I have gotten a number of sales at my Etsy shop though.

I’m still running my fundraiser to help me until I can stand on my own.  I have dental work coming up plus I know the orthotics will cost me something out-of-pocket ($200 last year).  I’m not sure what treatment options I’ll have for my back.  Guess I’ll know something more after tomorrow’s appointment.   If you want to help me with these out-of-pocket medical costs,  PayPal or  GoFundMe  or buy something awesome from Dragon & Wolf Crafts 

A reminder since suicide is back in the news.  #nostigma you-are-not-alone

State of my head

Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.

Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are.  From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#

A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying

Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart.  And I still do.  I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess.  It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home.  It’s awful and exhausting.

My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication.  Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.

In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month!  LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art.  The GOH is the artist Lubov

I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop.  Dragon & Wolf Crafts

One of those days

It’s not even 9am yet and I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I’ve been super weepy and emotional of late due to any number of reasons.  No therapy session this week because my therapist was out of town (seems that they are human and have lives too! Oh the humanity!).  I feel like I don’t have any place to put my feelings.  I don’t know who would be appropriate for me to talk with about the crap running around my head.  I know I have friends who would likely listen but for some reason, I feel super reluctant to talk with any of them.  I mostly feel like “What the hell is *wrong* with me!”

 

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Good, Bad, Ugly…It’s my Life

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A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression.  Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.

I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck.  It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling.  Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.

On the good side,  my goods are selling!  Dragon Wolf Crafts      I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference.  Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas.  It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again.   I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  But it’s also sort of fun.  In a way.  If you tilt your head just right.  I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly.  Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.

On the other side.  Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future.   The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now.   I understand it and am as supportive as I am able.  However, they are also volatile.  Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change.  I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore.  We are both in therapy.  I’m hope they get the help they need.  My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill.  The stress is making my health issues worse.

Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon.  I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know.  Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment.  ~sigh~  I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.

Oy!

In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31.  I do still need help.  Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself.  I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing.  The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health.  If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.

Argh!  Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world.  Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.

Facing Challenges

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues.  So much has happened since I last posted anything.  I did find a therapist who is wonderful.   I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.

I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great.  My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month.  My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him.  My primary care doc continues to be my champion.  One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else.  I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver.   I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on.  Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out.   There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer.  So there’s that.

Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time.  I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease.  Yay me.  I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment. disc29120100_M_0.jpg

How am I coping?   ~sigh~  Well, music therapy helps some.  Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped.  I’ve asked for support from friends (go me!  actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful.   I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time.  Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs.  I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.

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Bleh

Been spiralling down and only really noticed today when I said to myself “I want to die”. My usual quiet voice just wants to no longer exist.  This is different.  I’m feeling really hopeless.  I had issues getting my meds due to my change of insurance and a mix-up because of the change.  Plus, a charge dinged my bank account that made me overdrawn by over $100.  I did get the charge reversed though.  And I did get my meds finally after dancing through the automated system at the insurance company and then put on hold until a real person finally spoke with me.   I’m still undecided about the disability thing.  It’s more than I can cope with.  I did finally get a positive-ish response from a therapist but that’s another phone call.  Can’t handle this.

I need to go see the dentist.  And I need new glasses (had my eyes checked and my eyes continue to age which means a new, stronger prescription).

I can’t get to sleep at night.  And then I wake up feeling groggy and tired.  Getting out of bed is a chore.  But my furry babies need food and my bladder still works.  My  back pain has gotten worse and that makes sleeping or sitting difficult.

I can’t stop that negative tape except briefly when listening to music or making stuff.  But sitting long enough to make means back and leg pain (different chairs, cushions haven’t helped).

Bleh.  Just bleh.

My Etsy Shop

My Paypal

YouCaring campaign