State of my head

Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.

Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are.  From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#

A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying

Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart.  And I still do.  I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess.  It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home.  It’s awful and exhausting.

My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication.  Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.

In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month!  LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art.  The GOH is the artist Lubov

I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop.  Dragon & Wolf Crafts

One of those days

It’s not even 9am yet and I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I’ve been super weepy and emotional of late due to any number of reasons.  No therapy session this week because my therapist was out of town (seems that they are human and have lives too! Oh the humanity!).  I feel like I don’t have any place to put my feelings.  I don’t know who would be appropriate for me to talk with about the crap running around my head.  I know I have friends who would likely listen but for some reason, I feel super reluctant to talk with any of them.  I mostly feel like “What the hell is *wrong* with me!”

 

sad-love-quotes-you-asked-me-what-was-wrong

Good, Bad, Ugly…It’s my Life

d87eced94f85a878ce67a79d5df81a8c

 

A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression.  Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.

I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck.  It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling.  Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.

On the good side,  my goods are selling!  Dragon Wolf Crafts      I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference.  Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas.  It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again.   I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  But it’s also sort of fun.  In a way.  If you tilt your head just right.  I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly.  Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.

On the other side.  Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future.   The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now.   I understand it and am as supportive as I am able.  However, they are also volatile.  Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change.  I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore.  We are both in therapy.  I’m hope they get the help they need.  My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill.  The stress is making my health issues worse.

Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon.  I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know.  Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment.  ~sigh~  I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.

Oy!

In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31.  I do still need help.  Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself.  I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing.  The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health.  If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.

Argh!  Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world.  Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.

Facing Challenges

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues.  So much has happened since I last posted anything.  I did find a therapist who is wonderful.   I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.

I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great.  My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month.  My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him.  My primary care doc continues to be my champion.  One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else.  I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver.   I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on.  Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out.   There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer.  So there’s that.

Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time.  I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease.  Yay me.  I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment. disc29120100_M_0.jpg

How am I coping?   ~sigh~  Well, music therapy helps some.  Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped.  I’ve asked for support from friends (go me!  actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful.   I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time.  Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs.  I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.

tumblr_o6z8l79cvy1vow9fgo1_400

Bleh

Been spiralling down and only really noticed today when I said to myself “I want to die”. My usual quiet voice just wants to no longer exist.  This is different.  I’m feeling really hopeless.  I had issues getting my meds due to my change of insurance and a mix-up because of the change.  Plus, a charge dinged my bank account that made me overdrawn by over $100.  I did get the charge reversed though.  And I did get my meds finally after dancing through the automated system at the insurance company and then put on hold until a real person finally spoke with me.   I’m still undecided about the disability thing.  It’s more than I can cope with.  I did finally get a positive-ish response from a therapist but that’s another phone call.  Can’t handle this.

I need to go see the dentist.  And I need new glasses (had my eyes checked and my eyes continue to age which means a new, stronger prescription).

I can’t get to sleep at night.  And then I wake up feeling groggy and tired.  Getting out of bed is a chore.  But my furry babies need food and my bladder still works.  My  back pain has gotten worse and that makes sleeping or sitting difficult.

I can’t stop that negative tape except briefly when listening to music or making stuff.  But sitting long enough to make means back and leg pain (different chairs, cushions haven’t helped).

Bleh.  Just bleh.

My Etsy Shop

My Paypal

YouCaring campaign

 

2018, So far

It’s a new year!  ~confetti~

After a long cold and stressful trip to KC to visit my partner’s family, I return and promptly came down with a bad cold or maybe the flu that’s running rampant.  I’m still recovering.   Then early yesterday, my uterus betrayed me.  I woke up at O dark thirty with a red tide.   ~sigh~  Then today…not a damn thing.  Though I did go out and re-stocked up on menstrual stuff.  It had been over 100 days since I had a period.  So reset and hope for 365 days so I can officially be in menopause and hopefully, one day, be post-menopausal.

Haven’t made a decision on exactly what to do about my disability denial yet.  Being feverish was not helping with my decision making skills.  Need to gear up and produce many pretty beaded things for my Etsy store though.  Hoping folks will want to start shopping soon for Valentine’s Day.

I’ve made some decisions about where I want to be by the end of this year and how to get there but I’m not ready to really talk about it publicly.

I need to get my kittens to the vet for checkups.  So anything you can toss my way would be awesome.  Also, I have follow-ups myself with the nephrologist and my primary care doc and the dentist.  But I have new insurance so I may not have copays and my meds should be a little less expensive.  I think.  I hope so.  Or I could be screwed and not able to see my specialists.  Guess I’ll find out!  Yay.

Guess my mental health hasn’t improved much since I can only focus on the worst scenarios.  Except I can go hunting for a therapist with my new insurance and hopefully get that stuff under better control.  Yay.

Here’s the linkage for today:

My Etsy Shop

YouCaring Donation site

4759535970_3467f04902_o1-1024x690

 

 

Reclaiming My Childhood

For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant.  In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering.  I’ve spoken of  being raped when I was nine years old.  However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family.  Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers.  It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death.  So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh.    I want it back.  I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love.  All of it shaped who I am today.

childhood

I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts.  I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now.  I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.

I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole.   Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.

To my friends and family, please share stories with me.  I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.