Down

I’ve been spiraling for a while. After the vacation and then illness, I am back to regular therapy sessions. I’m also trying another antidepressant. It’s only been since Friday so, nothing yet.

My follow ups with various doctors have been wait and see, come back in X weeks.

I did go get my dental stuff done: deep cleaning and cavity filled. My jaw is still achy from having it open for so long.

My 50th birthday is Saturday. I’ve been very excited to reach this milestone. Except now, I don’t want a party. Just a quiet moment to mark my passage into the next stage of my life.

My anxiety is spiking. I’m on edge all the time. Getting to sleep is difficult and when I do sleep, I am plagued with anxiety dreams. One that stands out vividly is the one where the person who raped me when I was nine years old, has kidnapped me and taken me someplace in the mountains. Because I have long experience with nightmares and night terrors, I practice lucid dreaming so I was able to escape and find my partner. Then I woke up. Trembling, heart pounding and shaken. I did manage to go back to sleep into a different but still weirdly disturbing dream.

I’m hoping this antidepressant will also help with the anxiety. I’m so limited in what I can take because of the kidney disease.

Anyway. If you want to help me celebrate 50 years of survival, donate to your local no-kill animal shelter or NAMI or me. You could also check out my Amazon wish list

Yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day. So, I’ll end with ;

Labor Day Weekend: Musings on

I spent Labor Day Weekend working. I was a vendor at a local first time sf/f convention called CoKoCon. We did very well. Made more money than our first two outings combined. However, the hours were long and the dealer’s room was *freezing*. By Monday, I’d accumulated a sweater, a hoodie, a knitted infinity scarf, dragon scale arm warmers and heavy socks. I was still cold by the time we packed out and headed home. And this is Phoenix AZ in the summer! It was over 100F outside and I was shivering and my bones ached from the cold.

The last time we were at this location, the dealers room was in a different ballroom and it was slightly too warm. Hopefully, they’ll get it right next time.

Seeing the numbers and chatting with people makes me think this will work. I hope it’s enough to sustain through the dry periods. My Etsy shop gets lots of views but few sales. I’m hoping to up my marketing game.

I’m looking for the next place to set out my wares. It’s hard breaking in. Trying to network and gain contacts.

I am achy and still haven’t fully recovered from my post Worldcon crud. But working my table did help lift me from my depression pit. I know post con drop will happen but hopefully, it will still mean I’m no longer at the bottom of the dark well.  There’s also a drop that will happen when my wolfcub goes back home.  That one will be more profound.  But if I’m able to get us in another show later this year, that will mitigate those feelings.

Next week, I get dental work.  I also need to reschedule with the ortho.

My 50th birthday is coming.  I’ll have more thoughts about it soon.

 

Sometimes

There are moments when all the doctor’s appointments and all the tests and all the scans are just overwhelming. I want a D&D cleric who could heal me with a prayer. Or a potion.

My veins are rebelling from all the sticks. It takes a skilled phlebotomist to get it right with one poke. Otherwise, they have to chase my rolling veins or poke elsewhere. Right now, I have a very slight bruise from the IV I had to get for a CT scan of my neck. I don’t think I will ever get used to the feel of the contrast through my body.

I have two new specialists to go see. I’m sure they will each want some blood work done. ~sigh~

I’m getting a biopsy of a node on my thyroid next Tuesday. The day before we leave for Worldcon 76 in San Jose. I’m very excited about the convention. Looking forward to seeing old friends and maybe making new friends. Totally not looking forward to the biopsy.

I hope with each exam and blood work and scan that there will be answers. It feels like my life is just an endless stream of medical stuff.

I’m just so tired.

Moving

My nesting partner and I moved last week. Everything about it was incredibly stressful. My voice finally came back, though. I will still see the ENT about it just to make sure nothing is seriously wrong.

This new house just *feels* right. It has problems as you’d expect for a house built in 1975 but we can adapt. We will need a stand alone island in the kitchen to provide more work area as well as storage. The den is now the bird room. I’m still trying to figure out my office/craft space.

So much unpacking needs doing. We may have too much stuff. I’ll be listing some of it on freecycle or somewhere. I’d like to ditch the old treadmill and get something that we can fold up when not in use. We have the usual excess of computer cables, hubs and the like that any pair of computer geeks accumulate over time. Plus the stuff I got to accommodate for lacks in the San Jose house and the Scottsdale house that don’t exist here.

I’ve had several of my medical appointments rescheduled due to issues at the doctor’s office. ~sigh~ But I am finally seeing the neurosurgeon about my back tomorrow! Next week is the rheumatologist. My follow-up with the nephrologist got moved to July. My follow-up with the hematologist is in Sep. Plus I’ll be due for my annual visit with the podiatrist (new orthotics will be needed, they cost $200 last year for three pair, hopefully the price hasn’t gone up and more importantly, I hope my bunion isn’t worse).

I have a show coming up this month. Really hoping to sell out of stock. Got turned down for one in Nov and waiting to hear about one in August. I have gotten a number of sales at my Etsy shop though.

I’m still running my fundraiser to help me until I can stand on my own.  I have dental work coming up plus I know the orthotics will cost me something out-of-pocket ($200 last year).  I’m not sure what treatment options I’ll have for my back.  Guess I’ll know something more after tomorrow’s appointment.   If you want to help me with these out-of-pocket medical costs,  PayPal or  GoFundMe  or buy something awesome from Dragon & Wolf Crafts 

A reminder since suicide is back in the news.  #nostigma you-are-not-alone

Facing Challenges

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues.  So much has happened since I last posted anything.  I did find a therapist who is wonderful.   I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.

I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great.  My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month.  My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him.  My primary care doc continues to be my champion.  One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else.  I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver.   I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on.  Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out.   There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer.  So there’s that.

Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time.  I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease.  Yay me.  I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment. disc29120100_M_0.jpg

How am I coping?   ~sigh~  Well, music therapy helps some.  Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped.  I’ve asked for support from friends (go me!  actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful.   I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time.  Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs.  I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.

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Drowning

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On my rollercoaster ride of depression, I’m currently at a very, very low point.  I was finally able to connect with a therapist and my first session is tomorrow.  So there’s that.  I’ve been either sleeping too little or too much.  For the past several days, I’ve not been able to talk myself into getting out of bed until the afternoon.  I feel so useless.  Like why bother going through the motions.  I’ve been eating either way too little or too much of the wrong things.

Still waiting on a decision on my disability.  Meanwhile, I need food, gas, pet supplies. All of my bills are overdue.  I have no answers for the nice folks that keep calling me about them or sending me letters or email. Many of my clothes don’t fit anymore.  It’d be nice to have a pair of orthopedic slippers for around the house.  It’d be nice to go to a movie.

I’ve been trying to read or listen to music but that’s not really working on my anxiety.  It helps for a little while.  And I guess those small moments will have to do for now.  My dreams are full of all kinds of anxiety induced monsters.

I am hoping that therapy will help.  Except I am anxious about the added expense on top of everything else.  But I know I need the help.  But I will continue to fret.

As always, if you can help, here is my YouCaring page: A Helping Hand 

And my PayPal

 

 

Medical Stuff and my birfday

Friday, I went to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist).  He was very kind and reassuring.  I have more tests including and ultrasound on my kidneys.  I have Stage 3 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease).  ~sigh~  My mom died from end stage renal failure which is Stage 5.  So I’m a little shaken.  My mind, of course, went immediately to the worst scenario possible. The doctor also wants to check for lupus and other things.  But he said many times that I shouldn’t worry at this point.  My numbers aren’t good but they are borderline.

My primary doc made a good call referring me to specialists.  I’m glad I switched!  She’s awesome.

Oh yeah, podiatrist wants me to get diabetic orthotics so I went and got my feet measured.  It’ll be around $250 for shoes and three pairs of inserts which should last for year or so.

Will need to have my current meds re-evaluated though, because a couple of them aren’t good for the kidneys.

At least I’ll have met my deductible for the year after all of this.   Why is trying to stay healthy so expensive?

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So, my birthday is fast approaching.  I’m tossing out my wishlists in case anyone wants to do the thing.

Amazon Wishlist

Crafting things Amazon Wishlist

ThinkGeek Wish List