Down

I’ve been spiraling for a while. After the vacation and then illness, I am back to regular therapy sessions. I’m also trying another antidepressant. It’s only been since Friday so, nothing yet.

My follow ups with various doctors have been wait and see, come back in X weeks.

I did go get my dental stuff done: deep cleaning and cavity filled. My jaw is still achy from having it open for so long.

My 50th birthday is Saturday. I’ve been very excited to reach this milestone. Except now, I don’t want a party. Just a quiet moment to mark my passage into the next stage of my life.

My anxiety is spiking. I’m on edge all the time. Getting to sleep is difficult and when I do sleep, I am plagued with anxiety dreams. One that stands out vividly is the one where the person who raped me when I was nine years old, has kidnapped me and taken me someplace in the mountains. Because I have long experience with nightmares and night terrors, I practice lucid dreaming so I was able to escape and find my partner. Then I woke up. Trembling, heart pounding and shaken. I did manage to go back to sleep into a different but still weirdly disturbing dream.

I’m hoping this antidepressant will also help with the anxiety. I’m so limited in what I can take because of the kidney disease.

Anyway. If you want to help me celebrate 50 years of survival, donate to your local no-kill animal shelter or NAMI or me. You could also check out my Amazon wish list

Yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day. So, I’ll end with ;

Sometimes

There are moments when all the doctor’s appointments and all the tests and all the scans are just overwhelming. I want a D&D cleric who could heal me with a prayer. Or a potion.

My veins are rebelling from all the sticks. It takes a skilled phlebotomist to get it right with one poke. Otherwise, they have to chase my rolling veins or poke elsewhere. Right now, I have a very slight bruise from the IV I had to get for a CT scan of my neck. I don’t think I will ever get used to the feel of the contrast through my body.

I have two new specialists to go see. I’m sure they will each want some blood work done. ~sigh~

I’m getting a biopsy of a node on my thyroid next Tuesday. The day before we leave for Worldcon 76 in San Jose. I’m very excited about the convention. Looking forward to seeing old friends and maybe making new friends. Totally not looking forward to the biopsy.

I hope with each exam and blood work and scan that there will be answers. It feels like my life is just an endless stream of medical stuff.

I’m just so tired.

NOT OKAY

sad-love-quotes-you-asked-me-what-was-wrong

 

I’m really struggling with my depression.  I am in therapy every week so I have that on my side.  The unpacking is going very slowly.  The Etsy store is okay.  I need to put more into marketing and into getting quality components to make saleable goods.  I’m hoping to get an influx soon.  It’s really disheartening to see all the page hits but no sales.  I know the items up there appeal to folks because I’ve gotten feedback.  I don’t think the prices are unreasonable either.  The last show we did was a bust.  Didn’t quite make back our expenses.  But many valuable lessons were learned and there’s another convention coming up over Labor Day weekend.  Hoping that one will be a success.

I have several follow-up appointments coming up.   My pain levels have been awful.  I am on a new med prescribed my the rheumatologist for pain.  It helps but with the moving and now the unpacking,  some days I can barely get out of bed without crying.

I’m very weepy and spending a lot of time navel-gazing.  I have an app to chronicle my mood each day.  Most of mine have been “meh”.  Just feel stuck, I think.  My therapist wants me to sit down and write down a list of my need and wants.  Then I guess in our next session, we’ll figure out a strategy for getting my needs met.

My relationships are unsatisfying. I think it’s because I need more in person time with the partner who lives in Tucson and more quality time with the partner I live with.

Not having things unpacked and semi-orderly is causing me great anxiety.  I like having stuff put in some kind of order.  I love shelves and boxes and cabinets.  I want everything in its place. I’m working on it as I have the energy and when I can manage my pain.

I’m trying to remember to use my coping tools: music therapy, journaling, making pretties.  I’ve not yet successfully reincorporated exercise/movement yet.  I am a work in progress.

Worried about my kitties.  They seem okay but I’d feel better if I could get them a wellness check.

I need to write down all the things I want to bring up with my doctor (who I see at the end of the month).  Stuff keeps coming up.  I also have two more specialists to see in the near future as well as follow ups with ones I’ve already seen.

Feels like too much sometimes.  Plus all the things my partner expects me to track and take care of.  I mean, I know I have broad shoulders but dang.

Looking forward to vacation next month.

PayPal Donation link

My Etsy shop

State of my head

Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.

Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are.  From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#

A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying

Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart.  And I still do.  I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess.  It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home.  It’s awful and exhausting.

My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication.  Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.

In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month!  LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art.  The GOH is the artist Lubov

I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop.  Dragon & Wolf Crafts