Good, Bad, Ugly…It’s my Life

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A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression.  Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.

I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck.  It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling.  Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.

On the good side,  my goods are selling!  Dragon Wolf Crafts      I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference.  Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas.  It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again.   I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  But it’s also sort of fun.  In a way.  If you tilt your head just right.  I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly.  Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.

On the other side.  Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future.   The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now.   I understand it and am as supportive as I am able.  However, they are also volatile.  Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change.  I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore.  We are both in therapy.  I’m hope they get the help they need.  My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill.  The stress is making my health issues worse.

Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon.  I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know.  Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment.  ~sigh~  I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.

Oy!

In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31.  I do still need help.  Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself.  I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing.  The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health.  If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.

Argh!  Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world.  Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.

10 Ways to ‘Reach Out’ When You’re Struggling With Your Mental Health

So important! I needed this today.

Let's Queer Things Up!

I’m a mental health writer and advocate, and a suicide attempt survivor. I’ve told people on this blog many times, “Keep reaching out.” I’ve written multiple articles preaching the importance of vulnerability, defying stigma, and owning your struggles.

This is my whole thing, okay? This is what I do.

So when one of my closest friends died by suicide a few weeks ago, I wasn’t just shocked — I was completely gutted.

I thought there was never a question of whether or not my loved ones could reach out to me. But the very person who I’d talked to so often about mental health… didn’t call me.

Not even to say goodbye.

Screenshot 2018-03-03 at 10.30.59 AMThe last night I spent with them.

In the weeks following their suicide, my grief took me to dark places. I soon began having my own suicidal thoughts. And even then, when it was my turn to…

View original post 2,372 more words

Facing Challenges

So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues.  So much has happened since I last posted anything.  I did find a therapist who is wonderful.   I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.

I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great.  My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month.  My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him.  My primary care doc continues to be my champion.  One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else.  I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver.   I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on.  Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out.   There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer.  So there’s that.

Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time.  I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease.  Yay me.  I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment. disc29120100_M_0.jpg

How am I coping?   ~sigh~  Well, music therapy helps some.  Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped.  I’ve asked for support from friends (go me!  actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful.   I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time.  Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs.  I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.

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Bleh

Been spiralling down and only really noticed today when I said to myself “I want to die”. My usual quiet voice just wants to no longer exist.  This is different.  I’m feeling really hopeless.  I had issues getting my meds due to my change of insurance and a mix-up because of the change.  Plus, a charge dinged my bank account that made me overdrawn by over $100.  I did get the charge reversed though.  And I did get my meds finally after dancing through the automated system at the insurance company and then put on hold until a real person finally spoke with me.   I’m still undecided about the disability thing.  It’s more than I can cope with.  I did finally get a positive-ish response from a therapist but that’s another phone call.  Can’t handle this.

I need to go see the dentist.  And I need new glasses (had my eyes checked and my eyes continue to age which means a new, stronger prescription).

I can’t get to sleep at night.  And then I wake up feeling groggy and tired.  Getting out of bed is a chore.  But my furry babies need food and my bladder still works.  My  back pain has gotten worse and that makes sleeping or sitting difficult.

I can’t stop that negative tape except briefly when listening to music or making stuff.  But sitting long enough to make means back and leg pain (different chairs, cushions haven’t helped).

Bleh.  Just bleh.

My Etsy Shop

My Paypal

YouCaring campaign

 

Needful things

Sorry all.  I just had my yearly eye exam.  New script!  So my lenses will be around $55 and I found cheap frames for a total of $89.  Plus I really need to get my Pete to the vet for booster shots and annual exam.  Should be around $250 or maybe less if I talk nice to the vet.    If you wish to help me out, you can Paypal Me (noting glasses fund or pet care fund on the note) or to my general help fund at YouCaring Helping Hand

Thanks!  In other news, I’m waiting to hear back about an appointment with a therapist who sounds perfect for me.  Good wishes are very welcome!

 

 

2018, So far

It’s a new year!  ~confetti~

After a long cold and stressful trip to KC to visit my partner’s family, I return and promptly came down with a bad cold or maybe the flu that’s running rampant.  I’m still recovering.   Then early yesterday, my uterus betrayed me.  I woke up at O dark thirty with a red tide.   ~sigh~  Then today…not a damn thing.  Though I did go out and re-stocked up on menstrual stuff.  It had been over 100 days since I had a period.  So reset and hope for 365 days so I can officially be in menopause and hopefully, one day, be post-menopausal.

Haven’t made a decision on exactly what to do about my disability denial yet.  Being feverish was not helping with my decision making skills.  Need to gear up and produce many pretty beaded things for my Etsy store though.  Hoping folks will want to start shopping soon for Valentine’s Day.

I’ve made some decisions about where I want to be by the end of this year and how to get there but I’m not ready to really talk about it publicly.

I need to get my kittens to the vet for checkups.  So anything you can toss my way would be awesome.  Also, I have follow-ups myself with the nephrologist and my primary care doc and the dentist.  But I have new insurance so I may not have copays and my meds should be a little less expensive.  I think.  I hope so.  Or I could be screwed and not able to see my specialists.  Guess I’ll find out!  Yay.

Guess my mental health hasn’t improved much since I can only focus on the worst scenarios.  Except I can go hunting for a therapist with my new insurance and hopefully get that stuff under better control.  Yay.

Here’s the linkage for today:

My Etsy Shop

YouCaring Donation site

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