Therapy, A Trip and Contemplating My Bellybutton

Despite the recent (see:When it rains, it pours ) spate of bad financial news, I set off Monday for my much longed for visit with my long distance partner.  This trip was only made possible through the extreme generosity of his OSO and her husband.  Yay for awesome metamours! [For more info about polyamory/multiple relationships]

Anyway, we met in the middle as it were in Las Vegas because a flight to there was way less expensive than a flight from here to him.  We went out twice and spent most of the time in bed or cuddling on the couch.  Just being together.   We saw Zumanity and what an amazing show that was!   And we got free tix to see the Zombie Burlesque show which was also just a huge amount of fun.

In between the shows (and yes, just a bit of debauchery), we talked and dreamed together about the future.

It solidified in me that the best thing for my mental and physical health is to leave the Bay area and move back to Arizona.  Much of my chosen family is there.  And supportive friends who grok my situation.  And sunshine. Lots of sunshine.

My last therapy session I spent most of the time talking about how dissatisfied I was with my job.   Plus how guilty I felt about being dissatisfied. I should be grateful I have a job at all!   It pays okay and my coworkers are really amazing. My boss is really amazing.  The atmosphere in the office is totally laid back, friendly and I feel appreciated.  But.

I am bored. I feel underutilized. This job is just not the right fit for me.  I dread going to work each day and when I am there, I count the minutes until I can leave.

Chatting with various service people about where I am from and why I was there in LV and making small talk really brought home to me just how incredibly unhappy I am being here. There are so many womderfully cool things about here but they are outweighed for my depressive, introverted, shy self by the bad (overcrowding, horrendous traffic, insane housing cost and oh, did I mention the unrelenting press of people?)

So now to figure out how to get myself and the partner I live with back to Arizona.  The financial hit makes this way more tricky.  ~sigh~



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Book Review!

In other news, I am still reading! I finished The Between by Lisa Cohen. Highly recommended if you enjoy Faerie stories/YA urban fantasy. Wonderfully drawn characters, an exciting plot full of action, emotion, magic! It’s really all about family which is my particular passion.

Anyway, go get a copy and enjoy!

I’m also reading Star Wars: Tales from the Empire which has good and not quite as good stories. My friend, Angela P. Wade wrote my favorite story in this anthology called “Slaying Dragons ” It is a sweet tale starring a brilliant young woman. I recommend it plus her original stories.

Find out more about Lisa here:

And Angela here:

When it rains, it pours

So, I am back in therapy. Thank all the gods and goddesses.  It’s been a heck of a week or so.

My partner did his taxes and we owe this great state over $8000. Why? Because of the short sale we were forced to do with our house in Tucson. The difference between the remaining mortgage and the sale amount counts as income! The Federal government passed legislation that exempts our situation but this state has not.


Plus, my temp contract ended on April 4. Luckily, there are several projects pending so I’ll still have a job for a while.

My brakes are making funny noises. Okay, not funny but kinda scary actually.

There is now no savings at all due to this tax thing after we scrape together what we can.

I am paying $70 for each therapy session until I meet my deductible. Plus, it’s time to get blood work, a checkup and renew my meds.



And our lease is up soon.

Holding on by my fingernails.

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Things I saw on the internet about depression and such.  I hope you find them as useful and interesting as I did.  Always remember:  Depression Lies.  You *ARE* valued.  I love you.

In other news, I returned to therapy armed with my new insurance.  Here’s hoping I will be able to keep on track!


Tips welcome here: Tip Jar



How are you doing?

Seems like such a simple question. I never know quite how to answer though. Especially when the question is from a friend who actually is interested in a sincere answer.


At the moment, on most days, I am doing okay. I am able to get out of bed and get to work. Once at work, I pretend to be a functional human being. Then, I come home. If I have enough spoons, I run necessary errands. If not, I just head home and hope I don’t get run over in the crazy traffic.

At the end of the day, I’m exhausted. But then, I usually start off tired from too little sleep punctuated by weird, often disturbing dreams.  If I manage to get everyone fed, I call it good. I occasionally just go to bed after supper if my partner does not insist we watch TV.

Weekends are better. I can hide from the world for a time. But then, there is laundry, dishes and a wild stab at sweeping and mopping. Plus entertaining the kitten, feeding everyone and the like.

But, I do have a trip to see my OSO coming up thanks to the generosity of friends. Plus I am hopeful that I will get to see my brother and meet his kids in July!

So, how am I?  Tired with moments of joy, some frustration, some physical ills. And hope.

Tools from my Coping Box

Those of us with major depression (and I imagine, other mental health issues) build a Coping Box for those times when our brain weasels run rampant.  One of the tools in mine is reading.  I love to read.  It brings me joy and escape and sometimes deep ponderings.  I mostly read speculative fiction aka SF&F.

Sadly, one of the side effects of my depression is the lack of focus so sometimes, I am unable to actually sit and read an entire novel.  I do enjoy short stories and those are wonderful and useful for when I need a few moments of enjoyment and/or a brief flight of fantasy.  I find it easier these days to handle a tablet and read an ebook than to pick up a hardcopy book.  This also saddens me because I love the physical feel of a book in my hand and turning each page.  Also, the smell!  Especially old, much loved and worn books.

Besides the wonders of short story anthologies and magazines, I have also turned to podcasts to get my fix.  My first was Escape Pod which is focused on science fiction short stories.  The founder of that podcast then added one for fantasy called PodCastle and one for horror called Pseudopod.  Recently added to this wonderful family for fiction is the podcast Cast of Wonders  which is for YA sf/f.    Others I have in regular rotation are: The Drabblecast which is Strange Stories, By Strange Authors, for Strange Listeners, Clarkesworld Podcast a podcast of selections from Clarkesworld Magazine, Lightspeed Magazine Podcast a podcast of selections from Lightspeed Magazine, Kaleidocast a podcast of wonderfully diverse sff stories!  There are many, many more.

So for folks like me who enjoy reading, you may want to try short stories, audiobooks and/or podcasts to work around those stupid focus tricks depression plays on you.