is over. Done. I spent much of it in a sort of mental health haze of low-level depression and lack of motivation with some lovely dips into deep depression and paralyzing indecision, fear and doubt. Fun times.
So that month is over. What will June bring? Warmer weather certainly. It’s regularly been in the 100s here. I imagine it will start heading towards 110 pretty soon. Plus monsoons! Yay!
I still haven’t heard any decision on the disability claim. Sent back a ton of paperwork though. I know it took me a while to complete so I imagine it is being reviewed closely and carefully.
I was going to take a couple of classes this summer to occupy my mind but my mind is pre-occupied and unfocused and stuff. And things.
The world continues to be a mess. Reading the news fills me with despair, rage, sadness and makes me feel powerless. Though there are bits that are somewhat hopeful. People taking stands and resisting and fighting back. I do what I can. I write to my reps and state my opinions. I sign petitions and pass along fundraising for causes I think are worthy. I actually donated $5 because I felt so fucking impotent. It was all I had to give and I hope it helps. I think groups like SPLC, ACLU, PP and others are fighting for me and I should support them as I am able.
Plus, Sense8 was canceled. It was a show that filled me with hope and wonder. I am sad I won’t get to see the whole story. WoW doesn’t hold my interest anymore. I log on and run around a bit and then sigh and log off. Maybe I’ll go play Neverwinter or SWTOR or GW2 or Tropico. Yeah, Tropico. I can be a benevolent dictator and create my own city.
My booster campaign to raise money for NAMI was a bust. ~sigh~
I need to go see a dentist but the copays for dental work plus the thought of the work I need done overwhelms me with anxiety whenever I try to look for a dentist and make an appointment. I’m still working on it and will get there. Bleh. Need to get a fasting blood draw. I was supposed to get follow up labs last month but somehow May evaporated. Time sure goes wonky when you are depressed.
Thanks for reading this far. I’m totally rambling now and could ramble forever but I’ll sign off for now.
Chosen family. This is wonderful. I’ve written some before about this topic. I loved this movie and this is why.
One of the things that gets me excited to wake up in the morning is that I never know what people are going to be talking about on my pages. What emails or texts I might get about one or another issue. What will be a theme for the day? How can I help people?
Well, today what came up is painful childhoods. Abusive step-parents, bullying, neglect. Painful stuff, damaging our self-worth and what I call “self-love.” Without it, we search for love outside ourselves.
For instance: I have a student who has a girlfriend who is more sexually experienced than he is.
He won’t leave her, but thinks of her as slutty. Wants to be the greatest lover she’s ever had, and is constantly repelled and angered by her descriptions of previous affairs and their…attributes.
He constantly asks what’s wrong with her. My answer is that as far as…
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I am a huge Star Wars fan. I was 8 years old when it came out in 1977. It’s been a touchstone movie for me ever since. So today is a fun day in many ways with all the Star Wars memes going around. Then there is the Glitter for Carrie thing. Which makes me smile and feel sad at the same time.
Today also marks the 47th anniversary of the Kent State Massacre.
Today is also when the House of Representatives of the United States of America voted to repeal the ACA and replace it with legislation that could kill many. I hope it will not pass the Senate.
In addition, my partner was unwell and stayed home from work. So I had to cope with having another person around. Unexpected things throw me off no matter how benign.
But hey, I have a cool shirt on Booster! Please go take a look and see if you want one!
May is Mental Health Month! Lots of awareness campaigns happening this month. I’ll probably post linkage to ones I run across and want to support.
Looking across social media at the #mentalhealthmonth and associated hashtags, makes me kinda weepy. It’s great to see so many people raising awareness. At the same time, it makes me acutely aware that every month is mental health month for me. There’s never a time when I’m not aware of the importance of mental health or the impact of mental illness. Or of the stigma. Or the lack of understanding.
It also makes me profoundly grateful for my friends and family who offer me support and caring throughout the year. Every year. Every month. Every day.
Had to come back and add one little thing. Mental health for people of color is different.
I just got an email from the insurance company we had in the Bay Area about a claim from Jun 2015! It was just finalized and I apparently owe a bit over $150. WTF?!? The EOB shows the claims was submitted inNov of 2016. As a person with claims processing experience, I can say it is very unusual to approve a claim of that age. Most insurance companies have guidelines about when a claim can be submitted for review. Generally within 60-90 days after the encounter. It is called “timely filing” and I’ve denied many claims for that very reason. Oy!
Why did I check my email? I should just have gone to bed. Now I’m never getting to sleep.
Every time I come out of a down cycle, I feel like I am surfacing from dark waters. I feel my body swimming upward out of the quiet dark. It’s like I awaken from a dreamlessness. A suspension of movement. Like I’d been held in place, held down and now I’ve somehow started moving again. Upward. It always feels like upward. It can be a struggle to keep my head above the dark, the lapping waves of doubt and fear.
I’m swimming upward now. I hope I can make it completely out for a while. Treading water is just exhausting.