State of my head

Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.

Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are.  From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#

A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying

Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart.  And I still do.  I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess.  It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home.  It’s awful and exhausting.

My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication.  Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.

In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month!  LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art.  The GOH is the artist Lubov

I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop.  Dragon & Wolf Crafts

May is Mental Health Month!

It’s that time again!  May is Mental Health Month.  This year NAMI.org is promoting the theme Cure Stigma and has a website where you can go, take a quiz and learn more.  I think it is a great theme for the month!  Mental Health America is going with a different approach with it’s Fitness4Mind4Body theme.  I’m not as thrilled with this approach because as person with chronic physical illnesses, it seems to lack nuance. Heck, even for those without my physical challenges, exercise and going outside doesn’t always do a damn thing for their mental health.  I understand the whole person approach but I would rather see more nuance around the idea.  Like for some people, increased physical activity does improve their mental state but for others, it simply does nothing or it can be harmful.  There are so many factors that I honestly think MHA is not promoting a good campaign this year and I will not be sharing anything further than the link above.

CureStigma-2color

 

 

One of those days

It’s not even 9am yet and I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I’ve been super weepy and emotional of late due to any number of reasons.  No therapy session this week because my therapist was out of town (seems that they are human and have lives too! Oh the humanity!).  I feel like I don’t have any place to put my feelings.  I don’t know who would be appropriate for me to talk with about the crap running around my head.  I know I have friends who would likely listen but for some reason, I feel super reluctant to talk with any of them.  I mostly feel like “What the hell is *wrong* with me!”

 

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Needful things

Sorry all.  I just had my yearly eye exam.  New script!  So my lenses will be around $55 and I found cheap frames for a total of $89.  Plus I really need to get my Pete to the vet for booster shots and annual exam.  Should be around $250 or maybe less if I talk nice to the vet.    If you wish to help me out, you can Paypal Me (noting glasses fund or pet care fund on the note) or to my general help fund at YouCaring Helping Hand

Thanks!  In other news, I’m waiting to hear back about an appointment with a therapist who sounds perfect for me.  Good wishes are very welcome!

 

 

Reclaiming My Childhood

For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant.  In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering.  I’ve spoken of  being raped when I was nine years old.  However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family.  Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers.  It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death.  So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh.    I want it back.  I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love.  All of it shaped who I am today.

childhood

I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts.  I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now.  I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.

I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole.   Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.

To my friends and family, please share stories with me.  I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.

 

Coping

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Still waiting from a decision on my disability claim.  Feeling frustrated and discouraged.  Felt myself about to drown in the dark pool of depression.  My wolfcub suggested we make real all the talk about selling our crafts.  So I have an Etsy shop!  He makes chain mail jewelry and I, as you know, make beaded stuff.   My shop is Dragon Wolf Crafts 

I am slowly adding inventory to the shop.  Taking good pictures has been a challenge but I think I have some decent ones.

Making is wonderful and each completed piece brings me fulfillment.  I have a reminder set so I can spend some time every day working on either crafting or on the shop.  It’s good to have some structure to my days. I was getting lost.

So that’s the good.  I’m still fretting about money because bills need to be paid.  I added up how much it would take to make me current and it’s over $2000 with interest adding up every day.   Each company offers help if you have some small income but they don’t have anything if you are flat ass broke like I am.  Hopefully, the shop will allow me to pay something.

I am in a weird mental state right now.  Hopeful but not.  Really discouraged by politics and what feels like lack of social change.  Discouraged by having no money and not hearing  about my disability claim.  But I make things!  Pretty things.  And I have a shop that may generate some income.  I have friends and family who love and support me.  Plus it is Secret Santa season!  And I get to send out nifty holiday cards all over the country.   But I’ve been sleeping poorly.  And I’m tired all the time. And my hands hurt.

So, yeah. Weird mental/emotional state of late.

 

Helping Hand

Tips welcome!