Moving

My nesting partner and I moved last week. Everything about it was incredibly stressful. My voice finally came back, though. I will still see the ENT about it just to make sure nothing is seriously wrong.

This new house just *feels* right. It has problems as you’d expect for a house built in 1975 but we can adapt. We will need a stand alone island in the kitchen to provide more work area as well as storage. The den is now the bird room. I’m still trying to figure out my office/craft space.

So much unpacking needs doing. We may have too much stuff. I’ll be listing some of it on freecycle or somewhere. I’d like to ditch the old treadmill and get something that we can fold up when not in use. We have the usual excess of computer cables, hubs and the like that any pair of computer geeks accumulate over time. Plus the stuff I got to accommodate for lacks in the San Jose house and the Scottsdale house that don’t exist here.

I’ve had several of my medical appointments rescheduled due to issues at the doctor’s office. ~sigh~ But I am finally seeing the neurosurgeon about my back tomorrow! Next week is the rheumatologist. My follow-up with the nephrologist got moved to July. My follow-up with the hematologist is in Sep. Plus I’ll be due for my annual visit with the podiatrist (new orthotics will be needed, they cost $200 last year for three pair, hopefully the price hasn’t gone up and more importantly, I hope my bunion isn’t worse).

I have a show coming up this month. Really hoping to sell out of stock. Got turned down for one in Nov and waiting to hear about one in August. I have gotten a number of sales at my Etsy shop though.

I’m still running my fundraiser to help me until I can stand on my own.  I have dental work coming up plus I know the orthotics will cost me something out-of-pocket ($200 last year).  I’m not sure what treatment options I’ll have for my back.  Guess I’ll know something more after tomorrow’s appointment.   If you want to help me with these out-of-pocket medical costs,  PayPal or  GoFundMe  or buy something awesome from Dragon & Wolf Crafts 

A reminder since suicide is back in the news.  #nostigma you-are-not-alone

State of my head

Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.

Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are.  From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#

A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying

Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart.  And I still do.  I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess.  It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home.  It’s awful and exhausting.

My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication.  Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.

In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month!  LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art.  The GOH is the artist Lubov

I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop.  Dragon & Wolf Crafts

May is Mental Health Month!

It’s that time again!  May is Mental Health Month.  This year NAMI.org is promoting the theme Cure Stigma and has a website where you can go, take a quiz and learn more.  I think it is a great theme for the month!  Mental Health America is going with a different approach with it’s Fitness4Mind4Body theme.  I’m not as thrilled with this approach because as person with chronic physical illnesses, it seems to lack nuance. Heck, even for those without my physical challenges, exercise and going outside doesn’t always do a damn thing for their mental health.  I understand the whole person approach but I would rather see more nuance around the idea.  Like for some people, increased physical activity does improve their mental state but for others, it simply does nothing or it can be harmful.  There are so many factors that I honestly think MHA is not promoting a good campaign this year and I will not be sharing anything further than the link above.

CureStigma-2color

 

 

One of those days

It’s not even 9am yet and I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I’ve been super weepy and emotional of late due to any number of reasons.  No therapy session this week because my therapist was out of town (seems that they are human and have lives too! Oh the humanity!).  I feel like I don’t have any place to put my feelings.  I don’t know who would be appropriate for me to talk with about the crap running around my head.  I know I have friends who would likely listen but for some reason, I feel super reluctant to talk with any of them.  I mostly feel like “What the hell is *wrong* with me!”

 

sad-love-quotes-you-asked-me-what-was-wrong

Needful things

Sorry all.  I just had my yearly eye exam.  New script!  So my lenses will be around $55 and I found cheap frames for a total of $89.  Plus I really need to get my Pete to the vet for booster shots and annual exam.  Should be around $250 or maybe less if I talk nice to the vet.    If you wish to help me out, you can Paypal Me (noting glasses fund or pet care fund on the note) or to my general help fund at YouCaring Helping Hand

Thanks!  In other news, I’m waiting to hear back about an appointment with a therapist who sounds perfect for me.  Good wishes are very welcome!

 

 

Reclaiming My Childhood

For a long time, my memories of my childhood were vague and felt very, very distant.  In part because I actively shied away from fully remembering.  I’ve spoken of  being raped when I was nine years old.  However, as I approach 50, I find myself remembering happy times and a loving family.  Memories of great adventures with cousins, large family gatherings and celebrations, church family, friends at school and in the neighborhood; all crowding forth in my mind lie whispers.  It has moved me to look at the one family photo album that I managed to salvage after my mom’s death.  So many great snapshots that made me smile and laugh.    I want it back.  I want it all back: the fun, the struggle, the pain, the love.  All of it shaped who I am today.

childhood

I have reached out and reconnected with some family and friends on social media and will continue in my efforts.  I’m enjoying seeing these amazing people and learning about who they are now.  I really hope to return to NC sometime in 2018 to see them in person.

I feel like I was missing a part of me and now I am working to reclaim it. To make myself whole.   Yes, it includes some really painful and sad parts but it also includes some really amazing, happy and loving parts as well.

To my friends and family, please share stories with me.  I may not remember them all clearly but the more I hear, the more I remember and the more I feel myself.