I’m so tired.  And stressed.  And….argh!  It was in the 90s today.  The AC in this house has stopped working.  Contacted the landlord.  Waiting to hear something.   Several of my meds and my conditions make me more sensitive to heat.  Yeah, I know that I wanted to be back in AZ.  Overall, the dry, warm climate is pretty good for me.  But as with anywhere, there are drawbacks.  Several of my friends were snowed in last week, frex.

This would be easier if I were not also on my period.  My cycles are getting shorter and my periods heavier.  I’m fearful that I’ll be back to anemia land like I was three years ago when I ended up in the hospital getting blood transfusions.

Plus expending the energy to deal with service people (very nice, professional folks but still takes energy).

Also, strange rash.  And my hands hurt.  Plus, my partner is going out of the country for a week!







can't sleep1


Went with my partner to his therapy appointment this afternoon.  It was uncomfortable and rambly.  She wants me to come back for the next one as well.

Went to bed at a reasonable hour.  It was too hot. Then too cold.  Then too hot.  Then the CPAP was too noisy.  Then the cat was too heavy.  Then the blankets were too heavy.  Then my partner was too close.  Then I started thinking about all the things.  Mostly how much money I don’t have.  Then I got up to play WoW and distract myself.  But then I decided to see how much I’d need to get current on all my bills ($750).  Now I’m more down.  No part-time and/or work from home job seems to be falling from the sky.  None of the resumes that I’ve sent out have gotten a response.  I read through the instructions for applying for disability.   Started an application.  Got discouraged and more depressed.

I want to just stop existing.  Maybe move to an alternate timeline where I never moved away from NC.  Or the one where I got my shit together after my mom got sick and nearly died when I was in college and I returned after the semester off and finished my degree, got a decent job and helped her and my family.   Or the one where I stayed healthy.  Or the one where I never moved to CA.  Or the one where I’m an entirely different person who can function.

Tip Jar

GiveForward Fund raiser




Fear and loathing


So far, it’s been a bad week. Sleeping very poorly after a weekend of sleeping poorly but lots of hours in bed. I’ve felt paralyzed by anxiety and fear. I wanted to have good news that I managed a successful phone call. Alas, not to be. The person I needed to speak with will not be in until tomorrow. 😦 Not sure if I’ll be able to gather myself to do the phone thing tomorrow.

Trying to reach out to creditors about my debt and make arrangements. Complicated because I have no steady income. They want to set up a payment plan even if the payments are tiny. I cannot do regular payments because I do not have any income. It sucks.

Not found any jobs to throw my resume at this week so far. Pinged a recruiter with no response.

In good news, I have some findings thanks to the generosity of a dear friend. But my hands have been hurting and very stiff so no craft making has happened yet. I’ll probably try something small even so.

OTOT, feeling like a failure as a human being. A friend recommended applying for disability but I fear being judged too well for it and therefore I’ve just been lazy and lying this whole time.



Sometimes you have to ask for help.   So I am asking.

My Amazon wish list

Wish list of items to directly help my physical and mental health

I’m spiralling and can feel it.  Not sleeping well.  Having super vivid dreams in full technicolor.  I feel desperate.  I feel useless.  I feel like a burden.  I want to stop.  To stop being.  To stop existing.


Oy.  As I was writing this, there was a knock on the door.  I went to answer it and there were packages….gifts for me!  A jewelry making kit, an exercise mat and a gift card to buy beads!  ♥♥♥

I am loved.   My friends are the best.  I do not know how I managed to attract and keep these fantastic people.   I am terrible at keeping in touch.  I suck at socializing.  But they stick with me and love me just the same.

I now have something to look forward to.  I will post pictures of what I make when the bead supplies arrive.  Yay!

So that’s a very bright spot in a seriously gloomy……well, month.

Actual creations by me.

Fund raising




Yep.  Again.  Details at the link.  I really want to create again.  I want to get beads and make jewelry.  I want to get fabric and make clothing and costumes.  I want to give value to those who have been so generous to me.

Thanks for hanging in with me.  If you don’t feel comfortable giving to me, please consider donating to NAMIThe National Kidney FoundationAmerican Diabetes Association or other organization that helps people like me.

Thank you.


A moment in time

Weight down. Not sure why as I’ve had pretty high pain and pretty low energy. But rearranged things for maximum access to treadmill. Wii sadly seems to be a victim of asshole landlord.

My SAD is somewhat better this year. Still experiencing it though. Looking forward to the sun’s return in a few weeks.

Looking at work-from-home jobs or other things I can do for fundage. Jay will have short paychecks because of unpaid leave (the company closed the week of Thanksgiving and will be closed the week between Christmas and New Year’s so that’s fun to think about). So that’s not helping with my healthy me efforts. Yay stress and fretting.

Still haven’t excavated my jewelry making stuff yet. But hope to start making stuff and sharing it with y’all.

I’m torn between feeling like I’m doing too much and doing far too little. My hands hurt. My shoulder hurts. I’ve unearthed and unpacked many things. And rearranged other things. But I still feel like a lumpy, lump lump.

My meds need tinkering as my bp isn’t well controlled on the new ones (switched because of potential damage to my kidneys). And I need to go pee in a cup soon.

Tossing this out there if anyone feels so moved.