Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.
Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are. From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#
A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:
Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying
Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart. And I still do. I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess. It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home. It’s awful and exhausting.
My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication. Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.
In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month! LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art. The GOH is the artist Lubov
I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop. Dragon & Wolf Crafts
A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression. Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.
I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck. It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling. Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.
On the good side, my goods are selling! Dragon Wolf Crafts I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference. Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas. It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again. I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion. More than I ever really wanted to know. But it’s also sort of fun. In a way. If you tilt your head just right. I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly. Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.
On the other side. Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future. The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now. I understand it and am as supportive as I am able. However, they are also volatile. Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change. I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore. We are both in therapy. I’m hope they get the help they need. My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill. The stress is making my health issues worse.
Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon. I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know. Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment. ~sigh~ I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.
In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31. I do still need help. Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself. I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing. The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health. If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.
Argh! Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world. Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.
So I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my current load of issues. So much has happened since I last posted anything. I did find a therapist who is wonderful. I am very optimistic that she’ll be a big help in my journey to better mental health.
I’ll need it because my physical health is…well, not so great. My follow-up with the nephrologist was rescheduled by that office until next month. My labs show a slight decrease in kidney function so I really need to consult with him. My primary care doc continues to be my champion. One of my labs is elevated which indicates either liver impairment or something else. I had follow-up labs this week and it’s not my liver. I will be seeing a hematologist next week to try to figure out what the heck is going on. Unfortunately, I spent time consulting with Dr. Google and now I’m all freaked out. There is a chance of bone disease of some type including perhaps, cancer. So there’s that.
Speaking of bones, I now know why my back hurts all the time. I have a bulging disc and degenerative disc disease. Yay me. I’m waiting to hear back from the neurosurgeon’s office about an appointment.
How am I coping? ~sigh~ Well, music therapy helps some. Today I’ve been rearranging the house which has also helped. I’ve asked for support from friends (go me! actually asking) and they’ve been wonderful. I am reminding myself to take things one step at a time. Cope with the bits that I am able and don’t sweat the what-ifs. I’ll have more information soon enough and can then decide how to handle things.
It’s a new year! ~confetti~
After a long cold and stressful trip to KC to visit my partner’s family, I return and promptly came down with a bad cold or maybe the flu that’s running rampant. I’m still recovering. Then early yesterday, my uterus betrayed me. I woke up at O dark thirty with a red tide. ~sigh~ Then today…not a damn thing. Though I did go out and re-stocked up on menstrual stuff. It had been over 100 days since I had a period. So reset and hope for 365 days so I can officially be in menopause and hopefully, one day, be post-menopausal.
Haven’t made a decision on exactly what to do about my disability denial yet. Being feverish was not helping with my decision making skills. Need to gear up and produce many pretty beaded things for my Etsy store though. Hoping folks will want to start shopping soon for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve made some decisions about where I want to be by the end of this year and how to get there but I’m not ready to really talk about it publicly.
I need to get my kittens to the vet for checkups. So anything you can toss my way would be awesome. Also, I have follow-ups myself with the nephrologist and my primary care doc and the dentist. But I have new insurance so I may not have copays and my meds should be a little less expensive. I think. I hope so. Or I could be screwed and not able to see my specialists. Guess I’ll find out! Yay.
Guess my mental health hasn’t improved much since I can only focus on the worst scenarios. Except I can go hunting for a therapist with my new insurance and hopefully get that stuff under better control. Yay.
Here’s the linkage for today:
My Etsy Shop
YouCaring Donation site
Medical stuff. Seriously. Trying to get healthy is exhausting. And expensive. Why? And now Congress is trying yet again to make it harder and exclude people like me from even getting the bare minimum health care coverage.
So after my fun diagnosis, I went to get blood drawn for more tests. It was like 8 or 10 vials! So I felt a bit run down after all of that blood left my body. But my nephrologist is being thorough so I should be glad. He’s checking for Lupus and I think trying to get a more precise diagnosis of my kidney disease.
I’m researching renal diets. And my partner got me an instant pot for my birthday to make it easier for me to cook real food. Yay! There’s a lot of information out there and it’s taking me some time to sort through it all. I suspect I’ll end up consulting with a nutritionist. sigh
I still need to find a therapist. I called a couple of people and found out they were not taking new patients. I also need to get my eyes checked. Oh, and the dentist.
In better news, I did submit an appeal for disability. Now I have to worry myself sick with waiting for a decision. I’m actually hoping I can just let it ride and not fret about it every damn day. But that’s not how my brain works. Anyway.
I got to see my wolfcub! So that was a happy. He gave me a pretty!
He’s making many pretties to sell. I’ll let you know where you can get yours.
Since it is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month I want to remind you, that you are loved, you are worthwhile and you are not alone!
- If you are in crisis or are experiencing difficult or suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273 TALK (8255)
- If you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone, you can also text NAMI to 741-741 to be connected to a free, trained crisis counselor on the Crisis Text Line.
If you want to lend me a hand, here are a couple of ways:
Friday, I went to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist). He was very kind and reassuring. I have more tests including and ultrasound on my kidneys. I have Stage 3 CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease). ~sigh~ My mom died from end stage renal failure which is Stage 5. So I’m a little shaken. My mind, of course, went immediately to the worst scenario possible. The doctor also wants to check for lupus and other things. But he said many times that I shouldn’t worry at this point. My numbers aren’t good but they are borderline.
My primary doc made a good call referring me to specialists. I’m glad I switched! She’s awesome.
Oh yeah, podiatrist wants me to get diabetic orthotics so I went and got my feet measured. It’ll be around $250 for shoes and three pairs of inserts which should last for year or so.
Will need to have my current meds re-evaluated though, because a couple of them aren’t good for the kidneys.
At least I’ll have met my deductible for the year after all of this. Why is trying to stay healthy so expensive?
So, my birthday is fast approaching. I’m tossing out my wishlists in case anyone wants to do the thing.
Crafting things Amazon Wishlist
ThinkGeek Wish List