I’ve been spiraling for a while. After the vacation and then illness, I am back to regular therapy sessions. I’m also trying another antidepressant. It’s only been since Friday so, nothing yet.
My follow ups with various doctors have been wait and see, come back in X weeks.
I did go get my dental stuff done: deep cleaning and cavity filled. My jaw is still achy from having it open for so long.
My 50th birthday is Saturday. I’ve been very excited to reach this milestone. Except now, I don’t want a party. Just a quiet moment to mark my passage into the next stage of my life.
My anxiety is spiking. I’m on edge all the time. Getting to sleep is difficult and when I do sleep, I am plagued with anxiety dreams. One that stands out vividly is the one where the person who raped me when I was nine years old, has kidnapped me and taken me someplace in the mountains. Because I have long experience with nightmares and night terrors, I practice lucid dreaming so I was able to escape and find my partner. Then I woke up. Trembling, heart pounding and shaken. I did manage to go back to sleep into a different but still weirdly disturbing dream.
I’m hoping this antidepressant will also help with the anxiety. I’m so limited in what I can take because of the kidney disease.
Yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day. So, I’ll end with ;