Just finished my physical eval for disability. I am tired beyond words. It was stressful in a myriad of ways. The doc was really kind though. I just hate being broken. I’d much rather be healthy or at least functional.
Next up is the mental health eval. I’m glad have a couple of weeks to silently freak out. This is so hard.
However, there is good health news, my last A1C was 6.4 which is an improvement over the 7.0 from the two previous tests! So there’s that. I’d love to eventually get off the metformin. I have plenty enough other pills to take.
I am depressed. I haven’t blogged about it or really written very explicitly about it in quite some time. It’s because I’m in a truly dark place and depression lies. It lies and tells me that no one cares, no one wants to hear about my feelings/struggles. It tells me that people are tired of my constant struggles with depression and finances and my whining about my life when obviously I have many good things.
I am worried and stressed and my depression lies and tells me that I’m being stupid/silly. Any problem I have is my own fault and I should just *fix* it already. I’m not sleeping or eating well (this is very bad due to my eating disorder past and I know it but my depression tells me that it doesn’t matter).
My depression tells me that everyone around me would be better off if I disappeared from the world entirely. That ceasing to exist would be a vast improvement to my current state of uselessness.
I’m wrestling with it, the darkness, my old friend, my depression brain. I’m trying a new antidepressant but it hasn’t had a chance to kick in yet. I’m applying music therapy and playing silly games and trying, trying, trying to shut out the noise, the lies. I’m mostly managing to get out of bed everyday so there’s that.
A Helping Hand fundraiser
Paypal donation link
My partner took me to Westercon 70, the western US regional general sf/f con that moves to a different city each year. It was in Tempe this year (and why folks thought it was a good idea to have a con in July in AZ, I just don’t know). It was fun. I got to see some old friends and perhaps, I made a few new ones. However, I am an introvert and now I just want to hermit for the next month or so. So tired.
Overdrawn at the bank. Bills coming due. My partner covers all of our living expenses including pet care. So. ~sigh~
Lots of chores undone around the house because we were away. So much laundry! Did I mention, v. tired?
The disability claim is still pending. I have an appointment next week for a medical eval and then a couple of weeks after that for a mental health eval. ~sigh~
But there’s good news. I got out of the house for the weekend! My A1C dropped from last reading (this is an improvement). Woot! My other numbers look pretty good too. Plus my new doc has referred me to specialists. So just gotta get myself up for making a couple of phone calls. Trying out a new antidepressant as well. Hope it helps.
Help me with my expenses