Someone quoted this on a discussion I was reading and it brought tears to my eyes. Lots of tears. I feel adrift without my wacky, weird, chosen family. I haven’t found home here so I haven’t done any sort of setting down the roots I need to settle in to a new area. Going home to my brother’s wedding and seeing old friends was amazing. However, it’s made me feel even more discontent here. I want to be somewhere near a larger part of my family. I never see the bit that’s here (hi Mark, love you but you are entirely too damn busy of late). And my partner…well, there are issues. Always have been but I am feeling them very acutely just now. Those small annoyances feel much bigger. Old resentments that I thought long resolved have cropped back up and are eating my brain and energy.
I want to pack all of my stuff into the car and just drive away. But I cannot. First ,the car isn’t mine. Second, I need a little patience to save up at least enough money so I can put gas in the car when I drive away and cover basic needs wherever it is I run to.
This week has been difficult. I’ve had a nagging migraine starting on Monday afternoon. I drugged myself up enough to make it into work W-F but was suffering by the afternoon each day. My sleep quality has actually been okay but just not enough of it. Even so, I managed laundry and food and taking care of the critters.
I feel like I’m on a tightrope without a net. If I fall, no one will be there to catch me. I do not feel my partner should be all the things to me. I’ve never asked nor expected that type of relationship. I know what he offers and I get value from it. My need for a specific expression of sympathy and support, I get or used to get elsewhere. Yes, I get support offered long distance but I need some in person support as well. I need to be able to meet up with that friend who understands so we sit quietly near each other while dorking around on our tablets. Or have deep, rambling talks about relationships, writing, books with that other friend who also enjoys such things. Or cuddle with my OSO with no expectations, no obligations.
Here, leaving the house is arduous for me because I hate the traffic so much. Even just going to Target or the CVS up the street is annoying because of all the people! So crowded all the time. Living near major thoroughfares has its drawbacks! Some days it takes me quite some time just to get out of my neighborhood.
I feel weighed down my expectations, obligations, responsibilities. It’s a burden I don’t feel like I have anyone near who would support me in holding it all. On top of feeling like I am the support for other’s burdens.
Normally, I’m fine with the sharing of love, support and energy but right now, I feel like I am not allowed to stop and breathe.
I know that part of it is my depression banging on about the lie of laziness and uselessness. I am only valued for those things I do for others and not in any way for just being who I am.
I need my chosen family and friends. Those folks who help me break the cycle. Who surround me with love, fun, laughter, hugs. My therapist is great at listening and showing me how to redirect those negative thoughts. But.
Ohana. It is central.