Someone quoted this on a discussion I was reading and it brought tears to my eyes.  Lots of tears.  I feel adrift without my wacky, weird, chosen family.  I haven’t found home here so I haven’t done any sort of setting down the roots I need to settle in to a new area. Going home to my brother’s wedding and seeing old friends was amazing.  However, it’s made me feel even more discontent here.  I want to be somewhere near a larger part of my family.  I never see the bit that’s here (hi Mark, love you but you are entirely too damn busy of late).  And my partner…well,  there are issues.   Always have been but I am feeling them very acutely just now.  Those small annoyances feel much bigger. Old resentments that I thought long resolved have cropped back up and are eating my brain and energy.

I want to pack all of my stuff into the car and just drive away.   But I cannot.  First ,the car isn’t mine.  Second, I need a little patience to save up at least enough money so I can put gas in the car when I drive away and cover basic needs wherever it is I run to.

This week has been difficult.  I’ve had a nagging migraine starting on Monday afternoon.  I drugged myself up enough to make it into work W-F but was suffering by the afternoon each day.  My sleep quality has actually been okay but just not enough of it.   Even so, I managed laundry and food and taking care of the critters.

I feel like I’m on a tightrope without a net.  If I fall, no one will be there to catch me.  I do not feel my partner should be all the things to me.  I’ve never asked nor expected that type of relationship.   I know what he offers and I get value from it.  My need for a specific expression of  sympathy and support, I get or used to get elsewhere.  Yes, I get support offered long distance but I need some in person support as well.   I need to be able to meet up with that friend who understands so we sit quietly near each other while dorking around on our tablets.  Or have deep, rambling talks about relationships, writing, books with that other friend who also enjoys such things.  Or cuddle with my OSO with no expectations, no obligations.

Here, leaving the house is arduous for me because I hate the traffic so much.  Even just going to Target or the CVS up the street is annoying because of all the people!  So crowded all the time.  Living near major thoroughfares has its drawbacks!  Some days it takes me quite some time just to get out of my neighborhood.

I feel weighed down my expectations, obligations, responsibilities.  It’s a burden I don’t  feel like I have anyone near who would support me in holding it all.  On top of feeling like I am the support for other’s burdens.

Normally, I’m fine with the sharing of love, support and energy but right now, I feel like I am not allowed to stop and breathe.

I know that part of it is my depression banging on about the lie of laziness and uselessness. I am only valued for those things I do for others and not in any way for just being who I am.

I need my chosen family and friends.  Those folks who help me break the cycle.  Who surround me with love, fun, laughter, hugs.    My therapist is great at listening and showing me how to redirect those negative thoughts.  But.

Ohana.  It is central.

Lies my depression tells me

You aren’t really sick. You are just lazy.  You don’t really want to do any work at all. You are useless anyway.  And you are a terrible person.  An awful friend.  You just use people.  You are also a horrible housekeeper.  Just lazy.  Can’t be bothered to do all the dishes by hand and put them away like normal folks.  Can’t complete the laundry in one go like normal people.  You are laaazzzy.  Seriously lazy.  Look at what all those other people are accomplishing!  People worse off than you!  Getting shit done.  Gardening,  laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, cooking!   You suck.  Look at your poor cat over there begging for attention.  What an awful person you are!

Lazy, ugly, stupid, undeserving.





I’ve spent today updating my resume, browsing and applying for jobs in Tucson and looking at rentals in Tucson.  Based on the rental prices, I calculated that I need a job at $13/hr minimum to live there on my own.  It would be tight but I’d be able to have a decent apartment for me and Pete (the cat) IMG_20160607_143703


I’m also trying to figure out how much I’ll need for the move and after to sustain me until I do land a job.  I haven’t nailed down a number yet but I think it will likely be in the $2000 range.  That should be enough to cover rent and utilities and food for a couple of months.

My plan includes updating here as often as possible to keep myself on track.  Feel free to holler at me if you think I may be slacking.  My deadline is August.

Thanks for following along with my journey.   Here’s to health and happiness!

P.S.  Got some bloodwork done and my thyroid is stable (hooray!), my cholesterol is..not (BOO!).   Working with my doc to get that under control.  ~sigh~   Mental healthwise, working towards moving back to AZ is sustaining me.  Visiting my bro and NC really gave me a positive energy boost.  Hanging in there. Moving on.

Going home and back again

Through the kindness and generosity of friends and loved ones, I was able to make the trip to NC to see my brother wed to his lovely, wonderful bride.  I was able to meet my delightful, energetic niblings.  I was able to see old friends and build new memories.  I was able to eat NC bbq (pulled pork!), real biscuits and gravy, Bojangles sausage biscuits, sweet tea and other delights of my childhood!   I also visited my parents graves.


It was a good trip.  Mostly had an excellent time.  I felt the tug of home and wanted to stay.  I talked long and deep with my bestest friend from childhood.  I received so much love and many amazing hugs.  I was twitterpated which alarmed me but it’s kinda fun to have that silly, goofy feeling.   My accent came out of hiding.  I heard my name more in those few days than in my entire lifetime previously (seriously, 3 yo and 5 yo are very keen on repeating words and phrases).

I navel gazed and had many thinky thoughts.  It was an entirely good and useful trip.

I know now with a clear certainty that I need to move back to AZ.  I am trying to form a plan to make this happen.  I thought about moving back to NC but the current political climate makes me hesitant (as well as the physical climate…oy!  so humid!  And the biting insects!).  That is still on the table if the AZ thing doesn’t work out.  Either place, I have a real support network with deep connections.

I’m trying to calculate how much I’d need in case I have to move alone.  I may ask for assistance once again.  I apologize if it seems I’m always running around with outstretched hand.  I do what I can with my own resources.  And a move has specific goals.  If alone, I’ll need enough to get a small apartment plus enough to sustain me until I find a job.  I do not anticipate it taking long to secure employment in Tucson, Phoenix or in the Triangle of NC.  I have contacts and can work my network to find something that will pay decently (the amount differs depending on where exactly I land).

So, with proper planning,  there will be no freaking out over financial issues.  Okay, maybe a little.  But only a very little.

This is something I need to do for myself.  For my mental health, my physical health.  My best friend noted that I’d spent the past two decades sublimating my needs and myself in favor of other people and  she feels it’s about damn time I find myself again.

She’s smart.  I am taking her advice.

I am not okay.

I’ve been pretending as hard as I can. My hormones are all wonky thanks to menopause.  I feel uncomfortable in my body. I’ve been moody, cranky and forgetful. Politics are getting to me. I’m still recovering from the crud. Still coughing, congestion and feeling blah. My sinuses ache. My head aches.

Music therapy helps. Petting the cat helps. Knowing I’ll get to see my brother and meet his wife and kids helps.

Knowing that one way or another, I will be returning to live in Arizona really helps.

Holding on.