It is so hard sometimes.  Now and then, it seems that life is determined to grind you into the dirt, spit on you, set you on fire, toss you off a cliff and then kick you in the shins.

I’ve been having a difficult time of late.  It culminated when I found that I’d managed to really, thoroughly  fuck up.

So, my brother, the only family I have left invited me to his wedding (he’s been married for 6 years and they are finally throwing themselves a little ceremony).  This is a huge bright point that I eagerly, enthusiastically tried to grasp.

I poked around for inexpensive flights (there are none between here and the three airports that are sort of nearish to him).   I bought a pretty dress, and underpinnings and things.

Did I mention that it was short notice and the wedding very soon?

Anyway.  Back to me fucking up my finances.

I managed to catch the flu of hacking snotfullness and spent a week out of work (sleeping, taking meds, sleeping some more, hacking my lungs out, putting them back into my body).  Somewhere in there, I lost track of what the hell I was doing and managed to make myself broke-ass.

Now I am trying to get a refund on the airfare.  I’ve returned some things I bought.  I have no idea is any of the things I’ve done will get me out of the deep hell hole I managed to dig.  But I am trying.  I will keep trying.

Meanwhile.  I have not see my brother in over a decade. I have not met my 5 y.o. niece or my 3 y.o nephew.  I have not been back in my home state in…well, I don’t know for sure exactly.   I desperately want to go to this wedding and see them.

Plus, I have been not sleeping at night.  My dreams are full of dead people and strangeness.  Like Supernatural levels of strangeness.   Actually, I think Dean & Sam showed up in one or two.


On Saturday, my partner took me to the beach.  I don’t know if I can express what that means to me.  No, I really can’t.  There are simply no words.

I needed to stick my toes in the sand and the surf. And just sit and be.  There in the sun and wind, hearing the crash of the ocean, watching the tide come in.

It was glorious.

I don’t know exactly what I will do but I feel much better to handle whatever.


I found this on Facebook and wanted to share.

Jenni is so right!  This sort of thing pisses me off as well.  We all cope with whatever tools we have available and that may or may not include medication.  There is no shame in having to take antidepressants or any other type of medication.  This is why I blog and why I am open about my mental illness.  It is necessary to counteract bullshit memes like this one.

I love you and support you.  If you need to take your meds and then go hug a tree, I am so down with it.  I’ll even drive you out there and sit with you.

Location, location, location

Environment plays a huge part in my mental health.  I need to be in a place that feels like home and near people who are family.  I don’t do well in crowded conditions.

Guess what?  Where I am now is all the things that make me anxious and stressed and ultimately does harm to my mental health.  It’s fantastic for many millions who love living and working here.  It sucks for me. Even the house I live in makes me feel uncomfortable, gloomy and unhappy.

Tucson felt like home. Phoenix would work as well.

The first step to going back though, is finding a job for my partner.  A decent paying job that is just challenging enough without being soul sucking. No more defense contracting.  Actually, no contact work at all. Stability and security.

I want this to happen soon. No, wait. It needs to happen soon. I don’t know how much longer I can hold together.