It is an odd process. It hits you unexpectedly sometimes. My dad died 25 years ago today. I made it through until the funeral without tears. My mom was worried. Towards the end of the funeral just before they closed the casket, she leaned over and whispered “This will be the last time you ever see your dad.” I do not know what prompted her to say such a thing but the tears came at last. Cascaded down my cheeks as the truth of her statement sunk in. He was gone and I would never see him again. Never see his smile. Never hear him call me his little monkey. Never see the look of pride in his eyes.
After a few days, I shut it all in again. It wasn’t until the following Christmas, his favorite holiday, that grief swept through and out again.
In the intervening years, I have gone through that whole grieving process you hear so much about. Even so, the lack of him in this place and time sometimes makes me very sad and moves me to tears. I have many, many wonderful memories for comfort. It still isn’t the same as being able to make new ones. I think now and then about how much fun it would be to go to a baseball game or a car race with him. To see him play with my niblings; his grandkids. To hug him and smell the mixture of Old Spice and tobacco.
Today, I was feeling down from being sick and not having the job I want to have but I was mostly okay. And then the news of the death of Glenn Frey popped up on my social media. At first, I started listening to various Eagles’ songs. And then memories of when I first heard them came and then cars and my dad (my dad worked with cars all of his life).
So I’m going to feel what I feel and rejoice in the warm memories. I will listen to groovy music and feel many things.
As a side note: I cut my hair today. It was an act of grief and an act of renewal. I’ve been considering it for quite some time. So today as the day.