State of my head

Finally made it to a therapy appointment this month. Had to reschedule twice and was determined to go this time. I still have little voice but we made it work. It was so good to talk and get feedback. I really feel like this therapist helps and will continue to help me sort out my stuff.

Today we talked about my panic attacks and anxiety. My realization that they started happening not too long after my rape at 9 years old. I didn’t realize those episodes were panic attacks until very recently when I learned exactly what panic attacks are.  From https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms#

A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feelings of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
Chills or heat sensations
Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself) Listen to this podcast.
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying

Of these, I most commonly got the sweating, derealization/depersonalization, light-headed/faintness, chills and pounding heart.  And I still do.  I look normal from the outside but inside I’m a mess.  It has happened at school, at work, at parties, just sitting alone at home.  It’s awful and exhausting.

My next step is to talk to my doc about getting an anti-anxiety medication.  Being able to somewhat control my anxiety will help me cope better, I think, with life in general and maybe wrestle my demons more effectively.

In better news, I will be a dealer at a local sf/f convention next month!  LepreCon is a general sf/f con with a focus on sf/f art.  The GOH is the artist Lubov

I’ve added more stuff to my Etsy shop.  Dragon & Wolf Crafts

May is Mental Health Month!

It’s that time again!  May is Mental Health Month.  This year NAMI.org is promoting the theme Cure Stigma and has a website where you can go, take a quiz and learn more.  I think it is a great theme for the month!  Mental Health America is going with a different approach with it’s Fitness4Mind4Body theme.  I’m not as thrilled with this approach because as person with chronic physical illnesses, it seems to lack nuance. Heck, even for those without my physical challenges, exercise and going outside doesn’t always do a damn thing for their mental health.  I understand the whole person approach but I would rather see more nuance around the idea.  Like for some people, increased physical activity does improve their mental state but for others, it simply does nothing or it can be harmful.  There are so many factors that I honestly think MHA is not promoting a good campaign this year and I will not be sharing anything further than the link above.

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One of those days

It’s not even 9am yet and I’m ready to throw in the towel.  I’ve been super weepy and emotional of late due to any number of reasons.  No therapy session this week because my therapist was out of town (seems that they are human and have lives too! Oh the humanity!).  I feel like I don’t have any place to put my feelings.  I don’t know who would be appropriate for me to talk with about the crap running around my head.  I know I have friends who would likely listen but for some reason, I feel super reluctant to talk with any of them.  I mostly feel like “What the hell is *wrong* with me!”

 

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Good, Bad, Ugly…It’s my Life

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A person in my extended circle lost their battle with depression.  Thinking about them and about my own battle put me in an very introspective headspace.

I wrote that quite a while ago and then got stuck.  It is so hard to articulate all the emotions I’m feeling.  Plus so many incidents in my personal life slammed me.

On the good side,  my goods are selling!  Dragon Wolf Crafts      I also managed to enormous task of vending/dealing at a conference.  Along with my OSO, we sold enough to cover the cost of the table. Not quite enough to cover the cost of food and gas.  It was a great learning experience and we both are eager to try again.   I’m learning a lot about marketing and promotion.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  But it’s also sort of fun.  In a way.  If you tilt your head just right.  I’m deeply happy that I’ve found a way to pursue my passion for sparkly.  Plus with reading more poetry during National Poetry Month, I’m finding words spooling loose from my soul.

On the other side.  Frankly, I am uncertain about my home life and the future.   The partner that I live with is going through a lot of changes right now.   I understand it and am as supportive as I am able.  However, they are also volatile.  Though now that I think back over nearly 24 years, this isn’t much of a change.  I guess I’m too damn broke and tired to cope well anymore.  We are both in therapy.  I’m hope they get the help they need.  My therapist is encouraging me to take a break. Just go somewhere and chill.  The stress is making my health issues worse.

Speaking of which, still haven’t been able to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon.  I have to steel myself to call my insurance and find another candidate and then contact my doctor to let her know.  Then wait for the referral to the new person is approved and then call or wait for them to call me to make an appointment.  ~sigh~  I’m trying a CBD cream to help with the pain in the meanwhile.

Oy!

In addition, YouCaring has been bought by GoFundMe so if I want to continue begging desperately for money from folks, I’ll have to create a whole new campaign before July 31.  I do still need help.  Even though I’m selling things, it’s very much not enough at this point to sustain myself.  I need room to breathe and get this well and truly a thing.  The shop is the best thing I ever did for my mental health.  If only I can get my physical health on an upswing, I’d take that campaign down and start paying it forward.

Argh!  Now I’m frustrated with myself for being a burden on the world.  Will go do music therapy and make things with stones.

10 Ways to ‘Reach Out’ When You’re Struggling With Your Mental Health

So important! I needed this today.

Let's Queer Things Up!

I’m a mental health writer and advocate, and a suicide attempt survivor. I’ve told people on this blog many times, “Keep reaching out.” I’ve written multiple articles preaching the importance of vulnerability, defying stigma, and owning your struggles.

This is my whole thing, okay? This is what I do.

So when one of my closest friends died by suicide a few weeks ago, I wasn’t just shocked — I was completely gutted.

I thought there was never a question of whether or not my loved ones could reach out to me. But the very person who I’d talked to so often about mental health… didn’t call me.

Not even to say goodbye.

Screenshot 2018-03-03 at 10.30.59 AMThe last night I spent with them.

In the weeks following their suicide, my grief took me to dark places. I soon began having my own suicidal thoughts. And even then, when it was my turn to…

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